There is a lot going on these days.
You could argue that at any point in time, I am sure, but it certainly feels like we're living in exceptional times. Like things are becoming a little bit extra unhinged. Like the world might end tomorrow because of climate change, or the rise of terrorism, or white supremacy will rebrand itself yet again as a drive through burger place so good people shrug and eat it up, like we already do with Amazon.
And now I'm a mom to a sweet, tender little boy, so when I think about all the fucked up things in the world, I think about how he'll slowly enter that world more and more, and have to negotiate and navigate more and more of it. It is terrifying to think that slowly he will become a full fledged human who will have to negotiate some of the shit I've had to navigate. It terrifies the shit out of me.
I have known many sweet, tender men. I still do, but it is hard growing up a sweet, tender young man in our world. It's changing, slowly, but we still expect our boys to be a certain way, to certain things. We still have a society that punishes little boys who speak softly, or care deeply, or stand out int he wrong way. And I worry about my little boy being on of those guys. Just like I worry about him *not* being one of those guys.
Today, at breakfast, my little guys started shouting about a bug on the table, pointing excitedly and smiling at his discovery. He loves bugs. I tried to tell him it wasn't a bug, just a black crumb, but he was unswayed. He looked at me seriously and said, "bug nigh nigh!" It is not a crumb, mom, it is a bug, but it is just sleeping. He made cooing sounds and sang to the 'bug' before making snoring sounds. he kept his finger next to the bug the whole time, affectionately. It was so sweet it broke my heart.
How am I supposed to trust the world with a boy that sweet? My baby boy, who gives strangers hugs and sings made-up songs to sleeping pretend-bugs. I have seen what the world can do to sweet, tender hearts. and there is nothing in the world that scares me more than my little boy growing more and more into that world, more and more out of my protection.
There is nothing on earth scarier than being a parent.
