Not much more than 5 years after my divorce from my secret husband, whom I loved very much but was also a narcissist who more or less tried to separate me from my family and sense of self to fully engulf me in his world, I am at another cross roads.
and not the drinking-game movie with Britney Spears
My boyfriend...of almost five years, with whom I have an amazing child, is leaving me. Someday.
Until then he is drinking again, after struggling to get sober 4 months ago, hurling insults at me, and generally trying to prove how much better he is than me by absolving himself of responsibility.
and the usual thoughts creep in.
What is wrong with me that this is happening again?!
Today, at work, while trying desperately to compartmentalize so that I could lecture a bunch of twenty-somethings about product safety, I thought of Friends, and Ross Geller. Three divorces.
I don't know it I am grateful to not have to claim another divorce, or frustrated that the words I have to describe my situations are so disappointing.
My boyfriend is breaking up with me. My son's father is moving out. My baby daddy is over it? I'm going through a split up?
I don't know. It doesn't feel like any of those appropriate phrases explain it properly. They guy I was planning a future with, after my last future blew up, is yelling insults at me. The thing I was working on, working towards for the last couple of years is garbage. Break-up doesn't quite cover it.
But to be fair, rarely do the names of things truly fit the size and scope of the situation. Realistically, words can't be expected to capture the nuance and the gravity of massive life events.
I try to comfort myself by reminding myself that disentangling from my ex-husband seemed impossible, and now he's not a part of my life in any real way. I know this process will be so painful and complicated, and I know I will survive. But it is so much more complicated and painful now. Because of my amazing child. If anything, I hoped I could save him from some of the trauma I endured as a child, and now I know he will have a much more complicated, painful life. I am so ashamed, frustrated, and worried.
I just don't know what to do next.
