The Woman Behind The Man

Am I the only one worried about Melania Trump?

I get it; she is distant, formal, and married to probably the single most polarizing figure in politics today.  And she has made cyber bullying her mission, as First Lady of the U.S.  Which is hugely ironic.  I don't have to explain why, right?
(If you don't know what I'm talking about, just google "Donald Trump twitter attack" and see what comes up...)

Melania giving her anti-bullying speech at the U N. this week

So, naturally everyone on the internet comes out laughing and angry against her.  Because the husband of one of the most blatant twitter trolls and basically rose to prominence despite picking on women, Latinos, Mexicans, Muslims, Jews, the disabled, and other groups that don't instantly spring to mind.  And because she's a pretty easy target; she doesn't seem to fight back and always seems out of place, like she never should have left her tower...like a princess that didn't really want to be rescued.

But, really, is it her we're mad at?  No.  Of course not.  She buys and wears expensive, inappropriate clothes and says tone-deaf, plagiarized things.  But none of that is really her fault when you think about it.  She did what a lot of women in difficult situations do; she used what she had to get where she wanted to go.  Growing up in Slovenia, becoming a (some would argue mediocre) model, working to get to the next level, and then dating and finally marrying Donald Trump; from the perspective of a person using their appearance to lock down a nice life for themselves, none of this is surprising.  In the scope of gold-digging, she hit the jack pot.  And I say that with no intended denigration; it is so not my place to judge her choices or compromises.  I've made my compromises, we all have, she picked the path that made the most sense to her, and given the path she was on, I'd give her kudos for being supremely successful.  Because there was no way she could have seen this whole presidential train wreck coming; no one else saw it coming!

cute couple... :/

So imagine this woman makes her plan, meets, dates, and is deciding whether to marry Donald Trump.  And she figures, he's got a certain number of years left, he'll guarantee me a certain kind of life; we'll have a child and I can generally predict what the rest of my life will look like.  Sure, Donald's ex-wife accused him of physical abuse and rape, but maybe she didn't know, or maybe se figured that was part of the deal.

Then he started down this crazy road and all of the sudden she is thrust into the political spotlight; her husband, who I think we can agree is not the most level headed or stable fella, is under new stress all the time, maybe he's becoming more irrational.  Melania's safe bet has totally changed, the ground moved beneath her feet.  And, if I were her, I might feel like there is nothing I can do about it.

Because what would you do if your somewhat domineering, controlling, bull of a husband became president.  What if he was a little abusive, but no one seemed to care when the facts came out.  What if he was more than a little abusive, but you felt like you needed the security of his money and power to give your son a good life?

Everyone who says they would leave anyway, but can provide no evidence of making such a hard decision in the mast must now exit the discussion.  Because those situations are DIFFICULT.  Hard.  It is hard to leave a marriage in the best conditions.  It is harder when there are threats of retaliation in the air, or a history of retaliatory behavior (duh), or when there's a lot of money, pride, and fame at stake.

Inauguration Day, and the RBF heard 'round the world.

So maybe, just maybe, Melania is another woman in a situation she doesn't want to be in, but feels like she can't do anything about it.  Maybe she just wants to go back to Trump tower and read magazines and watch Real Housewives, but feels like the entire world is watching her (because we are... watching and judging).  Maybe she knows her husband is an ass, but never thought she'd be forced to defend his every move on a global stage, or give speeches in your fifth or sixth language to world leaders, and doesn't see a way out of it.  Maybe, just maybe, this ridiculously tone-deaf campaign against cyber bullying is her way of saying, "I know he's terrible, but I have to sleep with him.  Someone else needs to stop him."  Maybe it's her cry for help, because look at the way this man is in public, how do you think he behaves in private?  Because all she did was marry him, we're the ones who voted him into the highest office in the land.

So every time the media and twitter and everyone laughs or gets mad at Melania Trump, I can't help but step back and wonder, what is this poor woman's trying to say?  She doesn't seem stupid to me, she seems savvy, if not a little out of touch.  She seems, to me, like someone balancing on the edge of a knife.  So I'll laugh at her husband's missteps, but I'm going to leave her out of it, because unlike most of that family, I don't think she wants any part of this whole fractured spotlight.  I think she just wants to go home.

Let's Get This Over With

I have never accidentally said the 'N' word.  Ever.  I have accidentally said pretty much every swear word you can think of, and a few inventive ones I think I may have come up with.  I've said the 'C' word to my infant son hundreds of times.  Like, ten times this week alone.  But I've never accidentally said the 'N' word because one doesn't accidentally in the heat of passion say a word they don't already say all the time, in the heat of passion or alone with their white friends, in private.
Because we all know that's what's going on here.

It's simple, to me.  Black people have generally agreed, and most other folks have agreed with them, that there is one word they have chosen to be off limits.  It brings up too much f the bloody, painful, cruel past and they would really like it if it would never again pass over white lips.  I, as a person generally dedicated to not being a dick to strangers, especially a whole population of them, am happy to comply.  Because it's not that big of a deal to me, but it is to them.

Imagine this; you have a neighbor who has had a really shitty year; his cat died, and his grandma died, and maybe he lost his job and his spouse left him.  Just really shitty stuff.  And you're talking to him, and he says, "You know what?  Every time you say the word 'foyer' it really upsets me; that was my cat's name, and I named my cat after my grandmother, and now they're both dead.  So it just sucks to hear the word 'foyer'.  Could you just not say it anymore?"
Wouldn't you say, "Yeah, dude, of course!  It's a pretty old word anyway, I usually say entry.  Consider it struck from my vocabulary!"
Because that's what a decent person does.

Now, trade the rough year of one neighbor for generations of oppression, brutality, literal slavery, torture, economic repression, and general discrimination for an entire group of humans.  A population of Americans.  And they're asking, in addition to, ya know, equal and fair treatment, us not using that one word.
What kind of ass hat says no?  Probably a person who thinks that their enjoyment or use of that one word is more important than the aforementioned generations of literal and figurative slavery, oppression, general mistreatment and abuse.  That kind of ass hat.

So just don't say it.  It's not that hard.

My Best Friend's Wedding, and other generic titles

I have a friend.  He's a great person.  You know how there are people you meet and you think, oh, yeah, they are adequate.  Normal-sauce.  Really nice, or fun, but not in an exceptional way.
My friend Joey isn't like that.  He stands out.  And honestly, when I first met him I thought he was kinda childish, and dumb.  But then we actually talked.  So, you know, books and their covers, etc.

But seriously.  my friend Joey is one of those unique, wholly honest people.  He lives with this sort of overt vulnerability that can sometimes be mistaken for run-of-the-mill tactlessness, but in reality, it is a deep and very honest actual concern for everyone around him.  What the fuck does that even mean, right?

He's the kind of person who will ask you pretty much anything regardless of the circumstances, which we don't do in polite American society, because it makes folks uncomfortable.  But now ask yourself, when was the last time a person asked you a deep, semi-awkward question, but also actually cared about the response?  Now you see where I am going.  Joey is actually invested in the wellbeing of others, to the extent that he will ask the awkward questions in service of his effort to let people tell their truths, and actually be honest about what's going on in their lives.

Which, pretty much, is how we became friends on a research trip to South Dakota.  My divorce was finalizing, I was dating, and I was delving into a new research subject that I hoped would *be* my career, which was all I believed in now that love seemed to be bullshit.  The timing of the trip meant I was missing the funeral of my beloved grandmother, one of the many sacrifices made in service of 'the career I would have".  I'd also somehow positioned myself between the two principle researchers, as a sort of go-between/priest/hairdresser for both of them.  No one seemed to notice that I felt I was dying inside, while diving into other people's worlds to try to fix some damn thing while everything I knew seemed to be finishing crumbling.  Except, of course, Joey.  He asked rude and intrusive questions, which I answered.  We discussed music, and I told him what was actually going on in my life, because he seemed to actually care.  Because he did actually care.  So that's how we met.

We continued to work together, and he continued to pry into my personal life, which meant for once I had someone to talk things through with (besides my therapist.  Yay mental health care!!  It's why I'm still alive!).  And I got to know what was going on with him.  And in a short time he became a person I trusted deeply, whose opinion I valued deeply, someone I loved and was truly my friend.  Plus we managed to get a lot of work done, and kinda brought the best out of each other.  Joey talked me off many metaphorical ledges, and through so many life choices.  He's the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant.  He was my person.

So, him dating scared the shit out of me.  Because seriously, people are kinda crummy toward people they date these days.  There's the whole nonexclusive thing, and all the dating apps that present this idea that maybe the next person will be better, if you keep swiping, because there are infinite people...and are they really even people anymore?
But...I digress.  And this makes me sounds old.  And I kinda think Aziz Ansari already covered most of this.
The point is, I saw my friend Joey as a pretty special individual.  He goes out of his way to make strangers on the street happy.  He sees through people's weakly constructed facades, and actually cared what was beneath those facades.  He is a person of deep faith and love, but also a man of philosophy, prone to asking the tough questions.  So, his faith means something, but is open to being debated well.  Joey is dedicated to his passions, and is honest and aware of his own short comings.  What I'm trying to say is, he's not going to do the whole 'pretend to be super likable' song and dance that we all use to make ourselves likable on dating apps or social media.  And he would actually question a person's ideas and ideology, but with actual interest, and wanting to enter into a discussion.  Which is to say that I worried that dating apps would never help Joey find someone who would understand him, because who's that honest and complex right away??

But then he met Antoinette, and he was happy.  So I was happy!  And I was optimistic.  Until I finally met her, and started to really get to know her, and learn about her.  Then I was thrilled.

In Antoinette, Joey has truly met his match, in every way.  She is kind and loving, which of course I want for my dear friend.  She knows and understands the dark feelings and times that can plague people who think too much, or worry too much.  So many of us have these feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, but most of us (me) don't like to talk openly about it.  Here was Antoinette, as honest as Joey was about struggling to be her best self.  Here is Antoinette, who is creative, passionate, and thoughtful about her faith.  Someone who can meet Joey, word for word and idea for idea, who doesn't shy away from taboos simply because they are, but questions and makes her own choices.  The more I get to know Antoinette, the more I am certain that Joey had found a true partner for life in her.  And I don't worry about my friend anymore.  Because he is going to marry and build a life with her, and I get to be here, on the sidelines, cheering them on.  We all do.  And for that, we are all blessed, because there is nothing greater in life than watching good people have good lives.