Thursday, May 19, 2016

My Best and Worst, right now

I have a friend who is a very dedicated mom to two lovely children, and she has this tradition of asking her children what their 'high' and 'low' of the day, are as a way to encapsulate the day's activities, and release gratitude and resentment.
I think.  I just think it's cute.

So, here are my current perceptions on the high and low of pregnancy:
 Low:
  • Making it through the noon-slow-down with zero caffeine.  WTF.
  • So, is this lower back soreness going to persist?  Or get worse...
  • My train of thought now runs on it's own schedule, often in the wrong direction
  • I miss red wine, dirty martinis, and coffee
High:
  • I have always wanted/needed an excuse to snack constantly!
  • Drinking so much water is making my skin look great; you mean I could have been doing this all along?!?
  • Superb excuse to be in bed with dinner and netflix by8 pm.
  • Braggin about being everyone's go-to designated driver is making me feel *very* important
  • So much fruit and so many avocados!  delicious!

All jokes aside, so far it has been a pretty easy process, and I'm increasingly excited for the next steps.  My man and I have long conversations about morals and how we want to raise our family, what kind of people we want to send into the world, and it makes me more optimistic, in general.

Who knew planning for a future made you give a crap about it?

Monday, May 09, 2016

Today, I am Adulting. Super Hard.

So, I have been an adult for a while.  I mean, I have owned and wrecked several cars.  Rented houses, apartments, vacation rentals, and even more cars.  I have filed my own tax return for years, and I manage (poorly) my old 401k.  I'm finishing up my Phd in Economics, and I am divorced.  All super duper adult shit.

But this month started the journey down an even more adult road.  More adult than multivitamins.  Now, I'm going to be a parent.  Some dude jacked me, and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.

So, that's pretty adult, right?    Maybe not all the way adult, though.  I am still renting a room, working as a 'student worker' and 'research assistant', and I do still wear my pizza onsie around the house when it's cold out.  I still need hep with my financial planning, and I am still, technically, a student. 
But now, all those things are still true, plus I have a human gestating in my once-believed to be barren uterus. 
So, I guess lesson one for those learning from me, is get yourself checked out.  I was told over and over that ovulation strips were an easy way to test for true fertility, but I was too afraid.  Luckily this not entirely planned yet still intentional pregnancy is fully in keeping with mine and my partner's world view; it will happen when it's meant to. 
So now, here I am, embarking on one of the most adult parts of mammalian life while still living like a 24 year old.  There is a lot to figure out; where to live, how to work, how to finish my dissertation, what to name it, what to do with my recently arrived case of wine from an online wine club that looked cool a few weeks ago...I've got stuff on my mind!
my guy and I are figuring it out, though, step by step.  And it really does matter; so far through this process, one of the best things has been being able to rely on my guy as a stand up, take charge, figure things out in a calm and compromising way.  It's the best, and as much as things like career, money, and what the crap my body will look like in 10 months keep swirling in my head, he keeps my feet on the ground and my face smiling.
So far, it's been a pretty easy gig (knock on wood...someone knock on wood!! Don't tempt fate, for the love of god, someone knock on wood!!!).  No morning sickness, a little drool, and some cramping and gas.  Oh, yeah, and my usually generous boobs are now in full-time PMS mode, meaning they are giant, swollen, and sore.  But, other than that I can't complain.  I'm taking stock of all the non-elastic clothing in my closet, and planning for the future.
Right now my biggest fear is the pregnancy punishment.  Third wave feminism be damned, we still live in a world where women can be seen as weak or unfocused for letting themselves get knocked up, especially in the competitive world of academia.  Seriously, folks, does it really have to be that competitive?! I am resolved, as a result of those fears, to keep this pregnancy under wraps and off the books for school and work for as long as possible.  Call me fat, just don't confirm my pregnancy!
For those keeping track, I am either in my 6th or 8th week, depending on when you count, because I truly don't remember the first day of my last period.  But I have a doctors appointment lined up, and I should have some clarification soon!


Next Stop: Elastic waist band pants!