Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Sober Andrea just talked about her poop and how she most enjoys wiping it. Durnk Andrea now wants to talk about her period, and how she most likes to "maintain it".

Now, all you boys who've never had a period, or those boys (ALL of you fuckers) who've had a serious girlfriend and never gotten to know the nature of her menstrual cycle, will need a warm up conversation detailing the essentials fo the periods and period-time materials.

Here's the break down:

Every month every girl (who is not chemically altered in some way) gets her period.
If the bitch is on the pill (which is one way to be chemically altered, BTW) she gets it every 21 days based on her consistency with taking her pills. With current technology, there are variations therein that I will delve into at a later date.

When a girl gets her period, in addition to her PMS (which seems to be what most boys are concerned with, because it's the only aspect of a girls period that affects them regardless of their behavior), she also bleeds from her Cunt.

*** this is the interlude where I explain that I use the word Cunt not because I'm an alterna-whore, but because Cunt, which means "anatomical jewel" is waaay better than vagina which means "sheath for a sword". To quote my lady Inga Muscio, "Ain't got no vagina!***

In an effort to conduct business as usually, ladies need to somehow incapacitate the bleeding they experience from their Cunts to go on with life normally. Most do so with tampons or pads. Ladies back in the day used pads attached to belts called "sanitary napkins". Ladies waay back in the day used rags, weeds, and other objects at hand to stuff up their Cunts or wedge against their garments to prevent the bleeding from cramping their style. Today, ladies have an multitude of choices. I'm gonna talk about my favorite. The Sponge.

**This is the part where I tell you that you could learn all of this by reading Cunt by Inga Muscio**

Since for a long time, women have off and on used Sea Sponges to stop their menstrual flow. It makes a hell of a lot of sense for the busy, sexually aware lady of today because; 1) it is completely non-toxic, unlike tampons and pads made with things like fiberglass, asbestos, and rayon which can, in turn, cause Toxic Shock Syndrome, which leads to 2) the sponge is completely non-toxic and harmless. In other words, you could lose the bitch up in the inner caverns of your Cunt and, worst case scenario, it falls out or dissolves. Fuck the numbering, here are the brass tacks. Sea Sponges are Cheap (about $2 for about a year's worth of use, or $2 a month if you're a huge pansy/prude), Healthy (NO dangers of Toxic Shock Syndrome, or any other know illnesses. it's natural and it'll stop sucking fluids out of you when you stop giving), and relatively easy.
This is where I run into the most trouble. USE of a sea sponge means that you buy the mother fucker, boil it in water to eliminate the chance of bactieria, then insert it into your vag. When it gets full (and if you've had your period for more than a year you'll know), you reach up into your cunt, pull it out, and rinse the blood out before reinserting for the next run. The bonus is tatt you can just keep using it until it starts to break apart. The bad news is that there's no easy way to pull the bitch out. I( usually have to reach a good 2 fingers up my chach to grab a hold of the bitch and pull it out.

All that being said, I used the sponge for a few months, then quit for a few months ( for a stupid boy/reason) and Just came back to the sponge.

Lemmie tell you ladies. I would NOT have written this much about sea sponges if I didn't love them up, down, and cross ways!!!!
Now, go get one!!!!
Today I used my last Kandoo. For the uninitiated, Kandoos are "flushable toilet wipes" for kids learning to use the toilet. They're also moist, sturdy, and make your butt smell like apples!

I learned about Kandoos from Laura, who astonished me when she first told me about her own apple-butt-smelling expereince. This is mostly because Laura really isn't the kind to talk about her butt. Or her poop. She's really not that big into poop. But I am!!

I love pooping and anything that makes it cleaner, more fun, more smelly, or allows me to talk about it! I love the idea of buying a special kind of toilet paper just for pooping!

And Kandoos really do help in the pooping process; you can poop with greater abandon when you know you've got a sturdy, moist wipe waiting for you, to get that final clean up done. Ass-splatters be damned, the Kandoo is larger than normal toilet paper, and designed to be stronger and thicker, so there's no finger-blow-through! Because Kandoos are moist and not dry like traditional toilet paper, you can achieve that just-showered or bidet-fresh feeling for your anus every time you wipe! And even though Kandoos are designed for toilet training children, I think everyone who occasionally comes down with a case of the whiskey-shits could use a box of easy-to-dispense Kandoos with which to wipe clean your bung hole.

I also used my Kandoos for tricky menstrual time peeing.

But now I am out of Kandoos, and the question is, am I too cheap to buy more, or can I just not live with out that fresh apples smell on my ass.