I finally figured out what I want, at least writ small...
I want to write in large letters;
"Look! Look how much people love me! I'm worth loving! I promise, I'm loyal and dedicated, Love me back! Promise to try to love me for years and years! Please! Others have done it, why won't you?!"
And as I shout these words into the empty spaces of my mind, the darkness whispers back,
"maybe you're wrong, maybe he was the only one...maybe there's no one. Why do you break everything you touch? What if it's always been you? Maybe you are the problem. You are unlovable, unloved."
This, I think, is one of the central challenges of life, to silence the dark whispers, to fill one's own head with light and shrink the shadowy corners down.
To live in the light of one's own self love.
That's security.
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
My Boyfriends
Someone once asked me if I was a monogamist. Having never given it much though, I immediately responded in the affirmative. As life has gotten progressively more complex, I have been asked the same questions more time, in different contexts, and I tend to believe that, yes, I do refer the concept of two individuals committing to a romantic/familial relationship with each other, even though I no longer expect it of others.
That being said, I do have multiple boyfriends. I mean, there's only one guy I sleep with, but there are other guys I go to for other needs to be met.
B is my guy, smart, funny, and above all else interesting. We talk about literature, science, theology, music, culture, and food. We listen to music, watch movies, then we eat drink, and...be merry. But he's not around that often.
So I have J. Smart, funny, and willing to criticize my terrible outfits, we talk about relationships and work together. He turns me on to new music and we debate ideologies and talk about how much we hate people. But he is often busy with his own fulfilling life and cute young girls.
D is my gay boyfriend, cooler than I'll ever manage to be, a blast to drink with and a fantastic artist. I go hang out with him in the city and feel like I'm living a slightly more rad version of my life. Or we just have boozey google hang-outs where he gives me new nicknames.
G is older, and needs my help with things. He makes me feel smart, young, and pretty, and buys me sandwiches. He drives me places sometimes and tells me about his problems, and when I tell him about mine he puts them in perspective.
S has known me forever, and we hate and love all the same things, so there's never a debate about what we're going to do when we're together. Because she's successful and smart I get advice on financial planning, organization, and mental health in between nuggets of pop culture gold, and S is almost always awake and down to talk for an hour or two.
C has been around for a while, and is demanding but supportive. He knows all my secrets, but still thinks I'm perfect. While he might be a train wreck, he always manages to make me feel important, even if it's for the wrong reasons.
M is my back up date for movies, weddings, and dinner parties. She promises to marry me if we're ever single together for too long, nurses me back to health when life gets me down, and always hates who ever has wronged me blindly. Plus, she has kids, which are great for playing pretend family, and birth control.
There's also K, who I don't see very often, but can be counted on to share in good-natured arguments and philosophical debates, and shares comic books with me. And R who is easy on the eyes and makes small talk seem like an art form. Running into him fulfills me need for chitchat for at least a few hours, and never fails to put me in a good mood.
And when all else fails I can rely on the coven of beautiful women I call my roommates, all of whom have other relationships but can be counted on to hear me complain about my day over a meal or a drink.
That being said, I do have multiple boyfriends. I mean, there's only one guy I sleep with, but there are other guys I go to for other needs to be met.
B is my guy, smart, funny, and above all else interesting. We talk about literature, science, theology, music, culture, and food. We listen to music, watch movies, then we eat drink, and...be merry. But he's not around that often.
So I have J. Smart, funny, and willing to criticize my terrible outfits, we talk about relationships and work together. He turns me on to new music and we debate ideologies and talk about how much we hate people. But he is often busy with his own fulfilling life and cute young girls.
D is my gay boyfriend, cooler than I'll ever manage to be, a blast to drink with and a fantastic artist. I go hang out with him in the city and feel like I'm living a slightly more rad version of my life. Or we just have boozey google hang-outs where he gives me new nicknames.
G is older, and needs my help with things. He makes me feel smart, young, and pretty, and buys me sandwiches. He drives me places sometimes and tells me about his problems, and when I tell him about mine he puts them in perspective.
S has known me forever, and we hate and love all the same things, so there's never a debate about what we're going to do when we're together. Because she's successful and smart I get advice on financial planning, organization, and mental health in between nuggets of pop culture gold, and S is almost always awake and down to talk for an hour or two.
C has been around for a while, and is demanding but supportive. He knows all my secrets, but still thinks I'm perfect. While he might be a train wreck, he always manages to make me feel important, even if it's for the wrong reasons.
M is my back up date for movies, weddings, and dinner parties. She promises to marry me if we're ever single together for too long, nurses me back to health when life gets me down, and always hates who ever has wronged me blindly. Plus, she has kids, which are great for playing pretend family, and birth control.
There's also K, who I don't see very often, but can be counted on to share in good-natured arguments and philosophical debates, and shares comic books with me. And R who is easy on the eyes and makes small talk seem like an art form. Running into him fulfills me need for chitchat for at least a few hours, and never fails to put me in a good mood.
And when all else fails I can rely on the coven of beautiful women I call my roommates, all of whom have other relationships but can be counted on to hear me complain about my day over a meal or a drink.
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