#MeToo

In first or second grade, I'm not sure which, a boy in my class pulls me off the jungle gym and sticks his finger in my butt through my leggings.  He looks at my face as he does it, asking if I like it.  I didn't think of my ass as sexual yet, so I was very confused.  A teacher stopped him, but I don't know if anyone ever told my parents.  To this day, I wonder what was going on in that boy's home that he was mirroring with me.

In middle school I go to the movies with two girlfriends.  And adult man its next to me, and throughout the movie starts rubbing my arm and stomach.  I am embarrassed and confused; I say and do nothing because I don't understand what is gong on, and worry I'm imagining things.  I tell no one.

In high school I go to a sleep over new years party with my friend and her boyfriend.  The girl hosting, her mother, and her boyfriend are the only other people there.  At night we all sleep in the same bedroom, and I hear the host's boyfriend pressuring her to have sex while we sleep.  She says she can't because something is wrong with her vagina.  He tells her if she doesn't, he'll have sex with me.  They debate for what feels like hours; she whispers that I'm asleep, he whispers that he'll wake me up and rape me.  I lie perfectly still as she eventually gives in, and whimpers and cries through what sounds like painful intercourse.  I feel guilty, terrified, relieved, and disgusted.  I know I should do something, but I don't know these kids well, and I'm far from home.  I finally fall asleep.

 My college roommate comes home from a party, and tells me she slept with the guy she met, but didn't want to.  Her hesitance and confusion is common as she explains that it wasn't rape, she just didn't want to have sex at first, but was okay with it during.  I realize consent is confusing when men see tricking and badgering women as viable seduction tactics, and women are trying to explore their sexuality without feeling victimized.  I realize, looking back, how many times I have had sex because I didn't want to find out what would happen if I said no.

I go visit my friend at her university, and she tells me she was raped by a guy she thought was her friend.  She tells me it happened last semester, at night after she'd gone to her room to sleep, and that she woke up to him on top of her.  She tells me her mother is in the process of trying to shame his family into getting him to leave the school, because he's still there, still taking classes and living n campus.  She tells me she is getting married in a year.  All I can think is, she's trying to protect herself.  Married women are known to be off limits from male 'friends'.

In my first full time job after college, my 50-something year old boss makes sexually inappropriate jokes in the open office.  I laugh, because I think this is the way an adult should behave.  My supervisor, who is younger and female, stops us, reminds him he is being inappropriate, and later pulls me aside.  She explains that she has to work to keep these men in check, and can't leave any room for them to question what is appropriate.  I realize how little I understand.

I am working as a manager full time and going to school part time.  My boss says racist things to me, and asks prying, personal questions, but I need the job.  One day I come to work without make up on.  My boss calls me into his office to accuse me of being hung over at work, and I try to explain.  I never come to work without make up again.

In graduate school a female friend mentions she is meeting another to study.  She explains she's worried, because he is male, and so she'll have to be careful about how she dresses, or he will come on to her.  Other women in the room echo her sentiment; that most male peers will only want to meet up if it's a pretense for a date.  I realize that being in a relationship has shielded me from this, because my male peers see me as off limits.  Because I belong to another man already.  I feel relieved and deeply troubled.

I am called into the dean of the department's office, and I am nervous.  I hope it is about a research or work, and have prepared to talk about my qualifications.  Instead I am asked about sexual harassment and assault.  "Has any faculty member offered to change your grade in exchange for sexual favors?  Are you sure?"  Eventually I convince her, and we spend the rest of the time talking about how difficult it is to be a female department head.

I am at my first academic conference, and it's going really well.  I make friends, including someone who went to my school.  We have a mutual friend, and he is successful and connected, and offers to introduce me to other people in our field, so I follow him to a party in a hotel room.  We continue the drinks we started at the conference cocktail hour, and at the end of the night he tries to make a move on me.  I remind him that he is married, and I have a boyfriend, but he is unconcerned.  I do not like this man, but he is using time honored manipulations, and I realize he is better connected than me, and my rebuff has to be subtle and complimentary.  I escape from where he has me pressed against the wall and make an excuse about being too drunk, I run back to my hotel room.  He is charming and cordial in the morning, as if nothing unusual happened.  I suppose he is right.

I am teaching at a public university and a student meets me after class to discuss why she's struggling.  She talks about her financial troubles and her physical disabilities, which are new and she is struggling with.  Then she tells me she was sexually assaulted by her roommate, and currently looking for new housing.  I talk to her, we work out a way for her to pass the class with all of her constraints.  I ask her if there is anything she needs, but she remains confident, brave.  She doesn't want help, but she needs to find a new living situation, and in L.A. affordable housing is expensive.  I later relate this to another professor, an older mentor, and she says, "Well, that's our job."  And she's right, because University faculty get training on how to handle and report sexual assault; I am a mandatory reporter.  If I want to teach economics to adults, I also have to handle the abuse and assault of my students, because that's the world we live in.

This doesn't include things that have happened with friends, times I was physically assaulted in ways that weren't sexual, all the things that happened at parties and bars, including the time a buy set his drink on the edge of my ass while I was turned toward the bar, trying to order.  All the times someone grabbed my tits or ass, or rubbed up against me or my friends, all the times guys on various dance floors wouldn't take no for an answer, or the time I was mistaken for a hooker in Barcelona and had to fight my way out.  Those are just casual harassment, and happened when I was out at bars or parties or night clubs.

I don't consider myself a victim; I think I have likely lived a less-molested-than-average life.  I often barely remember that all of these things happened to me, that all of them are inappropriate.  That these things happened to me and the people around me because of our femaleness, or because of our perceived weakness, but mostly because of the culture of toxic masculinity that has convinced generation after generation of people that consent can be bought or pressured out, or is optional.  That conquest is all that matters, and the conquerors needn't worry much about the feelings of the conquered.

When a person comes forward about sexual assault or harassment, the initial response is disbelief.  But if you look out into the world today, the number of women (and men) standing up, saying 'Me, too.', it looks like everyone has a few stories in her past, a few experiences that reminded her she was not fully autonomous, that she was capable of being controlled or violated.

For fucks sake, can we start to believe people?

To my cousin, on her next step

I have two amazing cousins.  Actually, I have *several* amazing cousins.  Really lovely people.

One of these lovely humans is now in her first year at Harvard Law School.  Seriously, how rad is that?

She is a sweet, funny, and obviously hardworking and extremely bright young woman in her twenties.  Already some douche nozzle has called her a 'girl', as in "You girls better be ready to work hard!  I don't go to school here, but it's hard!"  Already she is second guessing herself and worried about raising her hand, while those who haven't done the readings are happy to give incorrect responses with vigor.  She's got a long fight ahead of her, because law school is hard, and I'm sure Harvard is hard, but being female (and from a middle class family) in a less traditional field is really hard.

So, I want to take a minute and type out all the things I wish someone had said to me when I was starting out in grad school, terrified and certain I didn't belong.

First, you are in the right place.  You belong here, you earned your place here.  There's this thing called an admissions process that determines who belongs, and you went through it, the same as everyone else around you.  You all passed, and now you are all here.  That's it.  Starting from the first day, you are all on equal footing, in that you are all qualified to be admitted to your program.  Do your best to stop wasting mental energy overthinking it.  You belong.

Second, find some people!  It is going to be hard, and everyone will freak out at the first few (hundred) assignments.  Being with a group of other people with whom you can admit how little you understand, or ask questions of, or be the person who has the answer with is going to be invaluable.  And I promise, all of those things will happen at some point, no matter who you group up with.  But find some folks and form a study group.  Or two...or four.  I had a study group of about five folks, and one person there was in two others, and would share the information from each group with all of us.  You can do things alone, but it is so much harder, and so much more isolating.  Get groups, get help, and get confirmation that you aren't the only one struggling!


And speaking of struggling, because you will, do your best to not feel dejected every time you do struggle.  You are doing something very difficult, that only a small portion of people ever even attempt.  Give yourself the space to struggle, to be challenged, and for that to be okay.  You went through a lengthy process to literally prove you were good enough to be there, and the illustrious university's People Who Decide picked you.  You belong, and you are right where you are supposed to be.  If it was easy, everyone would do it.

Since it's not easy, make sure you ask for help.  There is always help; clinics, boot camps, T.A.s , advisors, office hours, the notes of friends, dear sweet lovely google, study groups, people who've gone before.  Ask and accept all the help you need, please.  That's self care, that's efficient, and that's economical!  You want to take advantage of everything that can help you succeed, honey, because every little bit helps and you are paying for the privilege of it all.  So ask, seek, find help when you need it!  It's not weakness, it's intelligence!

Try to trust yourself, trust your instincts.  Part of what you are doing is being trained to be a confident decision maker.  Don't let other people steal or borrow your power, just hold yourself centered and still, and try to let the crazy that may unfold flow around you, like wild ocean waters around a calm stone.  And take excellent care of yourself.  Because, girl, you got this.

And when all else fails, call home, because we have got you.  <3 br="">

Sex with Jabba the Movie Producer

In the wake of the 'revelations' about Harvey Weinstein's decades of sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape and other abuses, one troubling idea continues to surface.  Actually, several troubling ideas continue to surface, like the claim from elites that they "had no idea"  when things like this and this were happening, or that conservatives are approaching the subject like drooling puppies, thrilled their party no longer has the market on abhorrent misogynistic behavior cornered.  What is most disturbing to me are sentiments like the one posted by a friend of mine on facebook.

The sentiment is basically one of reluctant agreement that something bad has happened, followed quickly by a call for women who benefit from the system to also be dragged down.  Or that this isn't that big of a problem, because some women's careers are improved.  Or that women are complicit in the harassment by being a certain, way, not fighting harder, using their sex appeal in other ways.  To me, this reeks of, "I get that this seems bad, but I'm pretty sure there's still a way to blame women".  also known as the usual.

Part of this is the toxic idea that women 'use' their sexuality to get things; money, power, jobs, friends, guys to help them move.  This idea is the basis for the "friend-zone" trope, the idea of a 'femme fetal', the reality and idea of sugar daddy/baby relationships, prostitution, and the whispered belief about any woman who makes the mistake of being both powerful or smart and too attractive.  If you think about it, a lot of media promotes this idea of women being able to separate themselves from sex as pleasurable and use it as a tool or weapon; even in sitcoms, the attractive wife will often begrudgingly agree to sex as a reward to the dimwitted or boorish spouse (I'm thinking of multiple episodes of King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Simpsons, just off the top of my head).
I've thought about it a lot, and I think it stems from an essential way to think about women's sexuality as intrinsically different from men's.  Not long ago, women were reduced to mothers and wives.  The idea of a career, least of all a fulfilling, competitive, or challenging one, was laughable.  Women were relegated to the hoe sphere, as was their sexuality; they were supposed to be virgins until marriage, keeping their ravenous suitors at bay until god and country could sanctify their union.  Then they would submit physically to their husband for the rest of their lives, and sex was for having children and satisfying (or manipulating) your husband.  And that was the expected and perceived scope of a woman's life and sexuality, she would never have the space to consider sex for her own satisfaction, and it stands to reason that it became transactional in some situations.  If you legally bind a person to another, make them financially dependent, prevent them from working, making money, accessing credit, or having any traditionally determined power, what else are they left with?

Then women had the nerve to leave the house, pursue their own achievements, make their own money and determine their own sexual, financial, domestic futures.  We're still working on all of those things, by the way.  But it seems like a lot of men are still confused by the idea of women having the same desire- and satisfaction-based sexuality they enjoy.  It seems like many men still consider women as inherently sexless, who use their convenient vulvas and breasts to get what they want, because they certainly have no use for them.  Because why else would some men willingly, hopefully, enthusiastically believe that women are out in the world, being propositioned by aggressive men thirty years their senior at a business meeting and deciding, yeah, I'd love to let this guy ejaculate in my hair so I can work a little bit less hard.  Unless these guys are walking around, wishing they could trade degrading and disgusting sex acts for promotions, they have to believe that women just don't care about human dignity or sexual desire.  Because anyone with human dignity, sexual desire, and a sense of self preservation would find themselves in a situation like Harvey Weinstein's hotel room and realize they are the mouse in the lion's den, and have to find a way to survive with as much of themselves intact as possible.
And there is nothing sexual about that.  That is about power, and control, and dehumanization.  In that situation, the prey (not always but usually a young woman) is not a person the sexual predator wants to have a consensual relationship with, the prey is a toy, an acquisition, a masturbation tool, an object to admire and manipulate.  There is no consent in that situation.  A person calculating how likely it is they will have a job after the leave the room can enthusiastically consent to mutually satisfying sex acts, because they are trying to decide if their dignity and safety are worth more than their rent and career for the foreseeable future.

And if you haven't been there, you might not understand.  But try to be a human being capable of empathy for a minute, and imagine you are told to go to a room for work, only to find you are trapped in an unclear situation where you will absolutely risk offending someone who can make or destroy your ability to feed yourself for the next decade, someone who can physically overpower you and slander you.  Someone who is asking for one thing, but could ask for literally anything once you give in, because then you said yes.  As women, we are trained from a very young age to prepare for these times, because they are inevitable, so I get that some men don't understand.  They still see women as these mothers and wives, who have sex to get children, or get an increase in their grocery allowance, who couldn't possibly have their own ideas about what is sexually desirable and what is terrifying.

But, they should really try.