I finally figured out what I want, at least writ small...
I want to write in large letters;
"Look! Look how much people love me! I'm worth loving! I promise, I'm loyal and dedicated, Love me back! Promise to try to love me for years and years! Please! Others have done it, why won't you?!"
And as I shout these words into the empty spaces of my mind, the darkness whispers back,
"maybe you're wrong, maybe he was the only one...maybe there's no one. What id you break everything you touch? What if it's always been you? Maybe you are the problem. You are unlovable, unloved."
This, I think, is one of the central challenges of life, to silence the dark whispers, to fill one's own head with light and shrink the shadowy corners down.
To live in the light of one's own self love.