Monday, April 27, 2015

What to do when...

What does one do when informed that your ex-husband is getting remarried?

  1. Freak Out.  This is news.  Not that you didn't know he was impulsive and lonely, but dang.  You've been apart for less than a year, divorced for less than 10 months.  And he just met this chick.  you've been dating your new dude for twice as long as he's been with this woman, how is this even possible?!
  2. Contemplate doing something ridiculous.  Personally, I thought about getting a tattoo, buying an international plane ticket, buying a bottle of scotch, taking out an advertisement to declare his penis size to the world, and emailing his new fiance a list of his charming faults.  It is imperative to be in a semi-professional or constrained location when this happens, so you can't do any of these things.
  3. Talk yourself off the ledge.  Sometimes literally.
  4. Call your BFF.  Literally, or via any of the ways we can tell each other these things.  The point is, find someone who will tell you unflinchingly that you are amazing and he is the devil.  This is essential to the healing process.
  5. Write letters you won't send.  This is your opportunity to get all of the vitriol out without any of the consequences, so write a few letters or emails that you have no intention of sending, just to clear out the first round of hate, anger, shame, frustration, aggravation, surprise, and general crazy.
  6. Consume.  Whatever makes you feel better, now is the time to put some of it in front of you.  Cookie dough?  Wine? Ham?  A large supreme pizza and a side of bread sticks?  Maybe you just want to go
    nuts on pretzels and peligrino, or maybe you want to drink a bottle of gin and a box of thin mints.  Now is the time.
    Drinks with girl friends, popcorn on the phone with your old roommate, wings with the person who's seen you through it since the beginning, or a fro yo date with someone who has no idea what's going on, so you won't have to talk about it.  Put something in your mouth to cover up those feelings for a little bit.  Laughter is not the best medicine, hiding your pain under a meatball sub is.
  7. Laugh.  Funny movie?  Reruns of your favorite sitcom?  Something that is guarenteed to make you laugh and forget, for a moment, what is happening.
  8. Cry.  It's going to happen eventually; even though the guy is essentially toxic waste in designer jeans, you will eventually have to let some emotions out of your eyes about him putting a sparkly ring on someone else's finger and promising to love them forever, the same way he did to you.  Cry it the fuck out.
  9. Be rational.  Now that you've freaked out, remind yourself why you aren't with that person anymore.  There were good, solid reasons why you left him, there was real pain, and you decided you'd rather be alone than be a part of that shit show.  Stand by that decision, and hold fast to your sanity.
  10. DO NOT CONTACT ANY CURRENT OR PAST LOVE INTERESTS.  Proposing to your current b.f. is not a way to hold fast to your sanity, nor is looking up old exs and asking them if you were easy to get over, or if they still love you, or anything of that sort.  The desire to do anything of the sort means you are back at step 2, contemplating something crazy, and need to go through step steps again.
Repeat as needed.

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