Saturday, September 16, 2017

My Best Friend's Wedding, and other generic titles

I have a friend.  He's a great person.  You know how there are people you meet and you think, oh, yeah, they are adequate.  Normal-sauce.  Really nice, or fun, but not in an exceptional way.
My friend Joey isn't like that.  He stands out.  And honestly, when I first met him I thought he was kinda childish, and dumb.  But then we actually talked.  So, you know, books and their covers, etc.

But seriously.  my friend Joey is one of those unique, wholly honest people.  He lives with this sort of overt vulnerability that can sometimes be mistaken for run-of-the-mill tactlessness, but in reality, it is a deep and very honest actual concern for everyone around him.  What the fuck does that even mean, right?

He's the kind of person who will ask you pretty much anything regardless of the circumstances, which we don't do in polite American society, because it makes folks uncomfortable.  But now ask yourself, when was the last time a person asked you a deep, semi-awkward question, but also actually cared about the response?  Now you see where I am going.  Joey is actually invested in the wellbeing of others, to the extent that he will ask the awkward questions in service of his effort to let people tell their truths, and actually be honest about what's going on in their lives.

Which, pretty much, is how we became friends on a research trip to South Dakota.  My divorce was finalizing, I was dating, and I was delving into a new research subject that I hoped would *be* my career, which was all I believed in now that love seemed to be bullshit.  The timing of the trip meant I was missing the funeral of my beloved grandmother, one of the many sacrifices made in service of 'the career I would have".  I'd also somehow positioned myself between the two principle researchers, as a sort of go-between/priest/hairdresser for both of them.  No one seemed to notice that I felt I was dying inside, while diving into other people's worlds to try to fix some damn thing while everything I knew seemed to be finishing crumbling.  Except, of course, Joey.  He asked rude and intrusive questions, which I answered.  We discussed music, and I told him what was actually going on in my life, because he seemed to actually care.  Because he did actually care.  So that's how we met.

We continued to work together, and he continued to pry into my personal life, which meant for once I had someone to talk things through with (besides my therapist.  Yay mental health care!!  It's why I'm still alive!).  And I got to know what was going on with him.  And in a short time he became a person I trusted deeply, whose opinion I valued deeply, someone I loved and was truly my friend.  Plus we managed to get a lot of work done, and kinda brought the best out of each other.  Joey talked me off many metaphorical ledges, and through so many life choices.  He's the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant.  He was my person.

So, him dating scared the shit out of me.  Because seriously, people are kinda crummy toward people they date these days.  There's the whole nonexclusive thing, and all the dating apps that present this idea that maybe the next person will be better, if you keep swiping, because there are infinite people...and are they really even people anymore?
But...I digress.  And this makes me sounds old.  And I kinda think Aziz Ansari already covered most of this.
The point is, I saw my friend Joey as a pretty special individual.  He goes out of his way to make strangers on the street happy.  He sees through people's weakly constructed facades, and actually cared what was beneath those facades.  He is a person of deep faith and love, but also a man of philosophy, prone to asking the tough questions.  So, his faith means something, but is open to being debated well.  Joey is dedicated to his passions, and is honest and aware of his own short comings.  What I'm trying to say is, he's not going to do the whole 'pretend to be super likable' song and dance that we all use to make ourselves likable on dating apps or social media.  And he would actually question a person's ideas and ideology, but with actual interest, and wanting to enter into a discussion.  Which is to say that I worried that dating apps would never help Joey find someone who would understand him, because who's that honest and complex right away??

But then he met Antoinette, and he was happy.  So I was happy!  And I was optimistic.  Until I finally met her, and started to really get to know her, and learn about her.  Then I was thrilled.

In Antoinette, Joey has truly met his match, in every way.  She is kind and loving, which of course I want for my dear friend.  She knows and understands the dark feelings and times that can plague people who think too much, or worry too much.  So many of us have these feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, but most of us (me) don't like to talk openly about it.  Here was Antoinette, as honest as Joey was about struggling to be her best self.  Here is Antoinette, who is creative, passionate, and thoughtful about her faith.  Someone who can meet Joey, word for word and idea for idea, who doesn't shy away from taboos simply because they are, but questions and makes her own choices.  The more I get to know Antoinette, the more I am certain that Joey had found a true partner for life in her.  And I don't worry about my friend anymore.  Because he is going to marry and build a life with her, and I get to be here, on the sidelines, cheering them on.  We all do.  And for that, we are all blessed, because there is nothing greater in life than watching good people have good lives.

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