Wednesday, June 14, 2006

My Love Affair with Birth Control...

I got my period yesterday. Again. I calculated it, and I've had over 140 periods in my life so far. That's a fuck load of blood, craps, bitching, being horney, crying, beings snotty, eating everything in sight, and wacking off. Ya see, masturbation is my own personal no-fail cure for cramps. But I digress.
I remember my first period. Before all the bleeding, i was being a pissy little bitch. I remember actually being pissed that a 5 year old girl got more easter eggs than I did on the easter egg hunt. This girl was my friend and i was 12 freakin years old.
I also remember years of subsequent periods. In junior high, sitting in the school's admin office waiting for a telephoned okay from my mom so that i could limp home from school because my cramps were so bad i couldn't concentrate in class. Even rubbing one out couldn't cure them back then.
I remember trying my mom's old trick of stuffing two tampons up my vag, one after the other, in an effort to stop the hemorrhaging. That was fun. Can I get a what-what from all the chicks who’ve ever doubled up the tampon and pad situation in an effort to control the blood, and still ended up with stains on her new panties/skirt/pants/bath mat.
Point being, thanks to the magic of three little pills, all of these problems have faded into the background. My cramps now tentatively appear on the first day I bleed, and are never enough to make me do more than clear my throat. My additional bitching is now discernable only to those most familiar with my personality, and almost all of my blood for the day soaks neatly up into one or two o.b. juniors. The occasional panty liner is used mostly as a precaution. And yeah, sure, Ortho Tricyclin’s snotty younger sister Depoprovera may have taken my period away for a few months, and then brought it back at a maddeningly constant slow drip, but my light blue, dark blue, and white pills have never steered me wrong. They’ve managed to make the last 72 or so periods really manageable.
Thanks, Birth Control!

(On a side note, I spell checked this mother, and it turns out Microsoft Word does not recognize the word “horney”. I got “horned”, “honey”, “hornet”, and “honeys”. And while honeys may get my horn going, and my giant hornet knows the way to a sweet honey pot, none of this is really quite the same as being able to say “I’m Horney and I’m, proud”. Bummer.)


sheila said...

isnt it "horny" ???

whiskey jane said...

you suck