I need...

Someone to claim the mystery-rodent I've been babysitting at my desk for the last 5 hours

Someone to extract the water out of the carpet of the moron who thought they could repair their toilet themselves

A fat free, calorie free, non-carcinogenic, sugar free caffeine substance that tastes like candy but won't keep me up at night

Better-functioning air conditioning

A tetanus shot

Barring a tetanus shot, someone to cut the metal shavings out of my finger, so I don't get lock-jaw

Shoes whose heels last as long as I do

An intelligent staff

An eight-day week, so I can have a two-day weekend

Help with my homework

A little credit

and a nap