Friday, October 13, 2017

Sex with Jabba the Movie Producer

In the wake of the 'revelations' about Harvey Weinstein's decades of sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape and other abuses, one troubling idea continues to surface.  Actually, several troubling ideas continue to surface, like the claim from elites that they "had no idea"  when things like this and this were happening, or that conservatives are approaching the subject like drooling puppies, thrilled their party no longer has the market on abhorrent misogynistic behavior cornered.  What is most disturbing to me are sentiments like the one posted by a friend of mine on facebook.

The sentiment is basically one of reluctant agreement that something bad has happened, followed quickly by a call for women who benefit from the system to also be dragged down.  Or that this isn't that big of a problem, because some women's careers are improved.  Or that women are complicit in the harassment by being a certain, way, not fighting harder, using their sex appeal in other ways.  To me, this reeks of, "I get that this seems bad, but I'm pretty sure there's still a way to blame women".  also known as the usual.

Part of this is the toxic idea that women 'use' their sexuality to get things; money, power, jobs, friends, guys to help them move.  This idea is the basis for the "friend-zone" trope, the idea of a 'femme fetal', the reality and idea of sugar daddy/baby relationships, prostitution, and the whispered belief about any woman who makes the mistake of being both powerful or smart and too attractive.  If you think about it, a lot of media promotes this idea of women being able to separate themselves from sex as pleasurable and use it as a tool or weapon; even in sitcoms, the attractive wife will often begrudgingly agree to sex as a reward to the dimwitted or boorish spouse (I'm thinking of multiple episodes of King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Simpsons, just off the top of my head).
I've thought about it a lot, and I think it stems from an essential way to think about women's sexuality as intrinsically different from men's.  Not long ago, women were reduced to mothers and wives.  The idea of a career, least of all a fulfilling, competitive, or challenging one, was laughable.  Women were relegated to the hoe sphere, as was their sexuality; they were supposed to be virgins until marriage, keeping their ravenous suitors at bay until god and country could sanctify their union.  Then they would submit physically to their husband for the rest of their lives, and sex was for having children and satisfying (or manipulating) your husband.  And that was the expected and perceived scope of a woman's life and sexuality, she would never have the space to consider sex for her own satisfaction, and it stands to reason that it became transactional in some situations.  If you legally bind a person to another, make them financially dependent, prevent them from working, making money, accessing credit, or having any traditionally determined power, what else are they left with?

Then women had the nerve to leave the house, pursue their own achievements, make their own money and determine their own sexual, financial, domestic futures.  We're still working on all of those things, by the way.  But it seems like a lot of men are still confused by the idea of women having the same desire- and satisfaction-based sexuality they enjoy.  It seems like many men still consider women as inherently sexless, who use their convenient vulvas and breasts to get what they want, because they certainly have no use for them.  Because why else would some men willingly, hopefully, enthusiastically believe that women are out in the world, being propositioned by aggressive men thirty years their senior at a business meeting and deciding, yeah, I'd love to let this guy ejaculate in my hair so I can work a little bit less hard.  Unless these guys are walking around, wishing they could trade degrading and disgusting sex acts for promotions, they have to believe that women just don't care about human dignity or sexual desire.  Because anyone with human dignity, sexual desire, and a sense of self preservation would find themselves in a situation like Harvey Weinstein's hotel room and realize they are the mouse in the lion's den, and have to find a way to survive with as much of themselves intact as possible.
And there is nothing sexual about that.  That is about power, and control, and dehumanization.  In that situation, the prey (not always but usually a young woman) is not a person the sexual predator wants to have a consensual relationship with, the prey is a toy, an acquisition, a masturbation tool, an object to admire and manipulate.  There is no consent in that situation.  A person calculating how likely it is they will have a job after the leave the room can enthusiastically consent to mutually satisfying sex acts, because they are trying to decide if their dignity and safety are worth more than their rent and career for the foreseeable future.

And if you haven't been there, you might not understand.  But try to be a human being capable of empathy for a minute, and imagine you are told to go to a room for work, only to find you are trapped in an unclear situation where you will absolutely risk offending someone who can make or destroy your ability to feed yourself for the next decade, someone who can physically overpower you and slander you.  Someone who is asking for one thing, but could ask for literally anything once you give in, because then you said yes.  As women, we are trained from a very young age to prepare for these times, because they are inevitable, so I get that some men don't understand.  They still see women as these mothers and wives, who have sex to get children, or get an increase in their grocery allowance, who couldn't possibly have their own ideas about what is sexually desirable and what is terrifying.

But, they should really try.

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